i am met by guards asking me why i have come what i want
ridiculous is what i feel…what do i want…how absurd
i want to take sannyas and live here for the rest of my life

i remain silent as i am overwhelmed by everything
i become tongue tied and all the words seem to have left my speech
i look dumb and completely white and stoned and mumble that i have
come to become a sannyasin

they ask me my name
i again find it difficult to speak and babble out rajnish
they laugh and look at me in a curious way as if i am cuckoo
really is your name rajnish they say and laugh again and again
asking me for some proof of identity
i had none as i did not bring anything with me i say
but try and explain that my name is rajnish as my father gave me that name
they keep me waiting for an hour outside and finally seeing me wait silently
ask me to go inside with a guard to krishna house and meet someone who
would decide if i could come in or not

i walk through the gate…but the ground has disappeared
i am floating two feet above the earth…simply gliding on wings
many people look at me curiously…and as to the way i was walking
suddenly i realise that i have never walked this way…something has taken
over me and i am in some new current that is beyond my control
too blissed out to think i keep walking slowly towards krishna house

i am made to sit for half an hour…and see a woman with an orange cloth
tied on her head sitting with others coming in and out in front of her
i remember her face from magazines…so this is laxmi
i am asked inside to her office…i feel like touching her feet
these are the divine goddesses of bhagwan…the blessed people

she quietly asks me my name and i repeat like a dumbfounded kid rajnish
she looks at me and consults another sannyasin woman at her side and
again asks me my name and who i am
i repeat my name and tell her that my father gave me that name
she asks my family name…and i say that i have dropped using my fathers
name as i have left my house

i could not imagine that all this would sound silly and cuckoo to them
as i was just being myself and innocently answering the facts as they were
she found me funny and smiled and asked me what i wanted to do here
i was waiting for her to allow me to talk and i said that i would like to touch
her feet and pleaded to her to kindly allow me to get my mala and sannyas
from bhagwan as soon as possible
i had come to be a sannyasin and spend my life here in any way possible
she seemed to be a compassionate woman and smiled warmly and said
that bhagwan had gone into silence a day before
that i needed to do dynamic and kundalini meditations for one month
she would see my progress in that month and then i would get my sannyas

i pleaded that i did not have enough money for a month and that i would
sincerely do my meditations every day and come back again with money
but to kindly get me my sannyas and mala in a few days
she said that she would think about it and to start the meditations
and with that nod i was taken to the gate and allowed to buy my gate pass

at the gate buying my pass i suddenly realised what laxmi had said
that bhagwan had gone into silence…my heart suddenly collapsed
what did that mean…that i could not see bhagwan
i felt that i would die…and asked a few around what it meant and when
they felt bhagwan would come out again
they seemed perplexed at my questions as if i did not know anything
and the way things moved around here
i was new and eager and excited to see bhagwan
just relax…calm down…just let go…he has his ways
he will come out soon…such chilled cool cats
i saw my anxiety and anxiousness immediately
i needed to learn this new lingo…just hang out and chill
and learn the art of living with ease…go with the flow
i was a quick learner

every morning my only question was is bhagwan coming out
when would he speak again…when could i get my sannyas and mala

everyday once or twice in my head would be piercing thousands of needles
a sweet pain…i would float while walking…i loved doing kundalini
it somehow did the trick to balance the needles in my head
and made me totally drunk

i soon saw that people began to notice me and look at me in a curious way
it was something to do with the effortless glide and slowness of my walk
many came near me and would hug me
many started to whisper and gossip about me…it was all strange for me
i was pure innocence in ecstasy and smiling at everyone i saw
i was in love with all and everything…the air was love
i walked softly treading with grace and reverence for his buddhafield and
felt bhagwan spread into the air the plants and trees and the earth itself
this was his temple…the earth was his heart the air his love
i became more and more sensitive to my footsteps

atleast two weeks pass and no sign of bhagwan
i have grown into the ashram air and feel vast and tall like the trees
but my heart is paining to see him
i cry each night hoping perhaps tomorrow i will be lucky

that tomorrow never came

i was in buddha hall dancing when they announced and asked the audience
of sannyasins if they were happy bhagwan decided to move to america
to loud cheers from everyone…and it was a secret
and they officially announced the next day that it was confirmed that
bhagwan would not come out again and he was moving to america

blackout for me…i was in tears
no more bhagwan in this beautiful poona oasis
where everything was so alive and growing to such a peak
sudden departure…a new beginning for all sannyasins
everyone running to sell their possessions and move to america

i was just in shock again…my heart cried out
i needed to get my financial act together
get a passport…get an american visa
i had nothing at all…i had to join bhagwan in america somehow
whatever it took i was going to make it happen

i had no money left so i took the train third class compartment to delhi
with a new world of problems to face
get a job and earn money to get to america
manage a passport and the impossible american visa

back in delhi…the only thing i had missed were my plants