the very first thing i did was to go to a wood workshop
make a wooden locket exactly like the poona mala…get wooden beads
cut out a black and white photo of bhagwan
take my sannyas under a tree in the lodhi garden

i buy a photo of bhagwans feet…i place my mala onto it each night
place the feet and mala over my headrest
sleep peacefully under his feet
each morning wake up to place the mala gently on my neck
just the way he gave sannyas and bow three times

buddham sharanam gachchhami
sangham sharanam gachchhami
dhammam sharanam gachchhami

this would be my daily morning and nightly remembrance of him

i return to meet my aunt…she was angry i had sold my fridge
as summer was coming my single room on the rooftop
was blazing hot in summer and the daily food she arranged would get spoilt

i apologised for the very first time in my life and cried on her shoulder
that i need help very badly as i wanted to earn money to go to america
she was surprised at the enthusiasm i had to earn money
and was happy that i have realised the value of money
and now valued getting a job and working
she immediately called joginder uncle in calcutta who needed a reliable
and honest manager in his delhi office where a small salary of 1600 rupees
was settled plus expenses and a promise of a raise if i proved my worth

i started to work in total earnest
being innocent to the amount of money that i would be earning
the amount required even to get a passport
the complications of getting the american visa for indians
the money i would need to save for the air ticket to get to oregon
i was ready to do anything to be with bhagwan

i was now in the control of the family and their power
i needed to learn this language
respecting and earning your daily bread
i did not want money…i needed money

i went to rajyoga center and borrowed three of bhagwans books at a time
working in the office during the day…reading a bhagwan book each night
i must have read atleast two hundred books of bhagwan in these ten months
as they said that i had read their entire library

i never read to learn anything or for study
reading him was pure poetry…just sheer bliss
i could feel his breath in the words and the silences in between as if he
was there in real life…i just drowned into all that he spoke and into the
wordless silences that transmitted the real message
i did not remember anything i was reading
just the buzz of silence it surrounded me with
just the continuous rhythm and flow…its ring of truth
my being was nourished just looking at his photos…his gestures
i was beginning to feel closer to him by the sheer distance
having gone to poona and not having seen him in real life
the flame in me became hungry and searching for him
i began to appreciate all the great love stories that i had read
always finding them too sweet and silly

now for the first time i knew what it really felt like
to be in love with a master
to burn and be consumed in the flame
like a moth seeking the light

the job in the company was important as i proved my worth
i excelled in sales and had great organisational skills
the small office soon began to have eight fold sales
my uncle was happy to see my progress
but more so to see my total enthusiasm and the control he
now had over me…he raised my salary to 3500 rupees
and allowed me access to everything in the company

somehow in these months my grandfather was also happy
and started to arrange money for me through other means
which i started to collect

i asked my uncle for important favours
i needed papers and documents of a high earning
a steady job certificate from a well known company
a proper residential address…some company documents
so that i could acquire a passport for travel

it took me six months to get the passport
now came the difficult part…the american visa
the travel agent told me it was impossible
an indian without any travel history…a blank passport
just nineteen years old…visa impossible

this is where i coined a statement for my life
that the word impossible did not exist in my dictionary
all those who have known me say this about me
that the word impossible does not exist for rajnish

for my american visa application i prepared as many
documents as possible with special permission from my uncle
my mothers fame and fathers business standings mentioned
my salary was shown as 16000 rupees monthly
i was made a partner in a family firm…work field increased
personal bio data was hugely exaggerated
huge financial deposits were shown in my name
a first class ticket to america was procured
with a stopover in thailand for holidays

i wore the best suit and tie carried an expensive briefcase
and appeared before the american visa section
i was going to america as my parents promised me a holiday
they were rich and famous
that i intended to travel abroad frequently was what i stated
when asked if i would work in america
i retorted and asked if i looked like a servant to them
that was enough…the woman interviewer was embarrassed
the american way…judge a book by its cover

i got my first three month multiple entry visa for america in
january 1982…ten months for all this to fall into place

celebrations…i had earned my ticket
my american visa…800 dollars

bhagwan here i come

my travel agent who had a bet with me said
the word impossible does not exist in the dictionary of rajnish