where bhagwan lived
the sacred lao tzu gate always etched in my heart
everything stops for me whenever i come to this gate

lao tzu gate was open which was almost a shock for me
i remember each time i had passed by that gate in 1981
my breathing would slow down and i would pause silently and go inward
bowing deeply to my master…time would stop
it has been my way forever…and even to this very day
just the memory of the gate stills me…it is the door to my temple

the gate is open…but i do not walk in…it is too sacred
i feel that only when i really deserve will i pass through these gates
i walk silently by…this gate has become a standstill
the deepest moment for me

up to now it was just reading and reading
running around to be near bhagwan…dreaming of that day i would see him
hundreds of emotional moments…few days of kundalini…no actual sitting
the real hard part now was actually meditating

i go to hotel sunderban next door
the unfriendly guard says they are closed…and they are not renting rooms
saying i want a room for one year i insist that i want to meet the owner
a car drives by…mr talera enters the sunderban
i meet him and request him to give me a room
he laughs and says that he has never met anyone like me…just the way
i requested him for a room…laughingly says there are ghosts living there
and that i would be good company for them
and agrees to give me a room for 1200 rupees a month
i tell him i want nothing in the room
just a mattress on the floor…an empty room

a beautiful manicured garden…stretches of roses in the entrance
a convenient large covered veranda facing the garden
the ashram next door…i am ready

it is march 1986 i am now twenty four years of age
and as one could imagine i must set some spiritual target
achievements and deadlines for myself
for my enlightenment

i hear that bhagwans enlightenment day is 21 march
too soon for any possible achievement
then there is masters day celebration in july
perfect day for a present for bhagwan
a disciple can only give his enlightenment to the master
so i set my deadline…ninety days

in all the books i have read of bhagwan
there is so much in so many directions…where do i start
i have to find some sort of simple and easy starting point
which i could follow and use as a measure of my progress

i work it all out mentally
solid…liquid…gas…three stages towards enlightenment

first month shake and dissolve the solid foundation
second month flow with the river and become liquid
third month experience the subtle and drown into invisible and vaporise

simple…dont make it complicated…follow this method
watch the progress daily…and if nothing happens…intensify the method

i could never get up in the mornings…always 1 to 2 pm in the afternoon
this was ok i feel…i can compensate as i could meditate late into the night
and am always awake till 3 am

clearly dynamic meditation was not on my list
and justifiable as my body is already very fragile
and i really do not have such a solid foundation to shake up anyway
so i do kundalini meditation seriously and totally everyday

i begin kundalini
shaking…so totally that the shaking actually happens on its own
the music moving the body in high rhythm…drenched in sweat
dance…i cannot move my feet
the upper torso waving like a tall bamboo…something pulls me upwards
sitting…my crown piercing with needles
crown pulled up with a strong force stretching my neck
lying down…dead still…i white out…no remembrance
just the dong of the bell…i am back

start my silent sittings
i soon realise that it is very difficult to sit still
not much mind really…just the body in severe pain and fidgety
unsettled and very painful
never ever sat cross legged before in my life…totally uncomfortable

i cannot even manage to sit still
every ten minutes i open my eyes…it is very difficult just sitting
time simply does not pass…even ten minutes is too long
the body aching and wanting to stand up and move about

how will i ever get to enlightenment this way
just how ridiculous and stupid i felt with my ninety day target