i could feel his glare on me everyday when i walked behind buddha grove
perhaps he did not understand me
was misguided by sannyasins in krishna house office
narendra was sly and calculating
maitreya kept out of ashram politics and was silent
a huge opposition was building up against me

i now walk every day two to three hours behind buddha grove
the gentle slope rising…the gentle slope descending…a perfect pathway

i feel like a huge pillar passing through my body
and at the same time begin to experience
a ball floating above me
the huge ball rolling in the wind above me

just like a tall pillar waving the body below
my feet continue walking in a strange movement
i cannot feel my feet on the earth
just a sensation of hovering above the ground

both feet have become one
the right moving the left and the left moving the right

it is a strange slow motion
yet has a balanced slow rhythmic movement
you must follow its paces

a tall and thin pillar waves the walking body below
a huge ball suspended above balancing the back and forth motion

i have to walk very slowly otherwise the ball loses balance
the pillar loses the rhythm and i must stop walking

soon the inevitable call to the office by swami swabhav
i am advised to stop walking slowly and told vipassana was not allowed by
bhagwan without doing dynamic meditation and work as worship
it kept one grounded and i was going cuckoo…to watch out
or i would soon be banned for my own good
that he had given me sannyas and was his duty to tell me about my ego

i asked him as to who actually gave me sannyas
stating that if he was present when sannyas was given
then it was his ego…that one was a hollow bamboo pure
and empty during sannyas
and that only bhagwan could give me sannyas
and i returned the mala
i was banned from the ashram

i continued deeper into my walking experiments
now beginning to walk in the hotel garden at night
walking with a blindfold to intensify the experience

a needle through my crown piercing and pulling tight
my walk has found its perfect rhythm…a balance so perfect
like walking on a tightrope suspended across the sky
perfect balance…no fear of falling left or right
pure grace…pure harmony…sheer joy and ecstasy
just walking at that pace slowly…reaching an orgasmic high

all movement around me becomes slow motion
as if i am in a dream
the air stops…my breathing stops
and everything around me freezes
a huge yawning pit confronts me
if i move i will fall into this deep hole

i stop completely frozen
the earth below me opens into a deep deep pit
i cannot look down…i am swallowed into it
a rushing sound sucks me in…deeper and deeper
i stand immobile in shock…still in darkness
eternity seems to pass by
and suddenly an explosion of light
all around me twinkling
with millions of sparkling lights

have i fallen into a tube
or am i rising into the sky
a tall tube a pillar of light pulls me upwards
i feel my feet lift off the ground
gravity has left my body