i experience a tall kundalini like opening
a fast torrent of vertical movement into the sky
my head starts to suddenly gain pressure…suddenly drop pressure
the push inside my skull is very painful
and i begin to cry within myself
and wish all this would somehow stop
it was too much…someone please stop this…i was exploding

it has started to rain
my breathing becoming more clear and open
my entire body is porous and breathing
i am becoming a breath myself

i find an umbrella…it does not remain over my head
but is swung violently to the right
i try again to bring it above my head…it is swung to the left
i cannot keep the umbrella above me
i let it go…the rain is coming down
strangely i see the rain parting above me…the rain is not falling on me
the force of this vertical torrent is dividing the rainfall
i am walking as if in a magical dream

the trees and greenery have become psychedelic
the air is becoming full of lights and brilliant
colours dancing like rainbows with the rain drops
everything i see is becoming more and more bright
with different colours emanating in each direction
every moment is alive with the newness of change
but too much for my sensory experience to absorb
the stream is too fast
this was all too much…too sudden
for the first time i see something large and black looming above me
in reality i was becoming very afraid

i rush to the ashram for guidance
and request swami swabhav to be allowed to stay inside for a few days

the place was getting prepared for the july celebrations
people attending could pay for accommodation inside the ashram
my requested was not granted
with the answer that they always warned me i would go mad
that i never listened to anyone
now find out for yourself

i go to swami maitreya who just smiles and says
he does not know what to do and to ask swami narendra who knows
swami narendra sees my condition
does not want to deal with me in any way but gently and lovingly advises
me to cover my head and eat food to get grounded
i thank him and follow his advice

i had not eaten in the last days
and the food in the ashram brings me down
and i cover my head with a handkerchief
sannyasins look at me in strange ways
my eyes look very strange and drunk
whoever looks at me is fixed into my eyes
my third eye has become active
one sannyasin follows me asking me if he could do anything for me
bring me anything…anything please
his eyes are fixed…he is in a trance…locked into my space
i try lovingly to release him from this connection
people are watching him follow me so reverently
they start to gossip

i feel i can now manage to return to sunderban
the road is dark…i cannot feel the earth any more
i place my footsteps into dark holes of nothingness
i must just keep my balance
i feel my left side fall away…the right side fall away
a tall vertical beam of light is my guide
an open tunnel
the kundalini has uncoiled and i feel tall a hundred metres into the sky
over the trees of the ashram

nothing seems to stop these experiences now

i cannot even enter the hotel…i feel crushed when i enter the corridor
i can sense its entire pathway
even sense the open window in the distance
my body glides exactly in the centre of the corridor
turns left exactly on the turn…all on its own
i realise that i am being centred by some force
that some new perfection is being experienced
if i move my right hand the left follows in harmony
right step moves the left
every upward motion balances the lower motion
forward the back

i am pure perfection
pure grace in motion
grace has a new divine revelation

the head covered temporary settles the piercing in my skull
but the food brings a new rush of energy again
the head exploding into the night
the night of struggle is endless