i am awakened with a huge explosion of light
as if the sun has descended into my head
there is no skull
i can see through the top of my head
brilliant unbearable light
is pouring into my head
i am blinded
completely blinded

i cannot open my eyes
they are heavy like a rock
i cannot move my body
i have absolutely no strength
i am lying inert under the tree
but i am awake

from a vast distance i can see the rooftops…the ashram trees
i can see my body lying under the lemon tree in the courtyard
someone please come and help me move
i am like a rock…heavy like a rock…cannot pick up my body

i wish that i can get up
and with this wish i am strangely sucked into my body
and experience the pain and heaviness as if after surgery

i do not remember much of what happened during the night
just the memory of falling into a black hole
memory of the fish in the ocean

and find myself unfamiliar with myself
i do not recognise my body and its changes
i walk differently…i stand differently…my hands are different
my face bigger and changed
i feel different inside and outside
just who am i

as soon as i become vertical and sit down
a huge vortex again swallows me
and a light begins to filter into me

on no…not again please…i have had enough
i can feel a tall vertical pillar of light opening again
i feel a strong wave descending into me
and am again sucked in
i am falling in again

i descend descend inwards
and soon recognise the point i had come to last night
i am staring at a circular opening into a tunnel
with a bright light at the end
i am inside behind my navel again
so i am going to leave the body now
i am prepared
this must end

but the descent continues
i am now falling below the navel…and get scared
my thoughts try and surface
i am at the wrong door…i must leave from the navel
not the black hole that is in front of me

i start resisting strongly
i start shaking the tall vertical pillar of light
by swaying back and forth
i must not fall inside this black hole again
i must keep conscious
i must leave the body from the navel

i sway back and forth to keep my consciousness alive
move move move
a huge struggle to keep alive has begun now
there is a strong struggle
the kundalini holding me firmly still
my skull is beginning to feel it is cracking
i can hear some slight crunching inside the skull
this is becoming deathly and very very dangerous
what am i doing
how am i to save my life
this struggle lasts for over an hour

finally something gives way…the kundalini settles

i realise that another hovering being is over my body
and then there is yet another
three huge balls of light are above me

i do not understand who they are
they are all watching this struggle

i feel helpless
perhaps it was all too much too sudden
i was not prepared for such descents into me
my body was too fragile
unprepared
my will was strong but with no experience
i must give up whatever this is

i silently watch and feel buddha bless me again
with compassion and understanding
i can feel him say he will wait till i am ready
and gently smiles
and gracefully merges
into another being above him

i am aware but too dazed and in a delirious state