i was walking in a battlefield not a buddhafield

i accepted even this as it made me extremely alert
and i had to move and walk with heightened alertness
and become alert and aware of anyone coming into my aura field
it reminded me of my childhood kung fu training
and the great kung fu movies
remembering the master who trained his disciple with a real naked sword
into awareness even when sleeping in the night

for me everything had to be used positively
it was a training in awareness
and i thanked them for their free lessons

i had a long moustache
and the few people who loved me called me fu manchu
and knew of my kung fu like zen humour

the highly qualified therapists
were spreading bhagwans work…training millions who seek truth
while charging thousands of dollars for groups

the infallible mini guru therapists
and psychic readers who are sensitive and loving channels of bhagwan
their unanimous readings into my indian sexual repressions

i am with bhagwan since i was nineteen years of age
i never came to bhagwan to pick on easy sexual targets
misusing his vision of sexual freedom and breaking taboos

i was here with bhagwan purely for my inner growth
his passionate drive for awakening human consciousness
and my pure and total love for him
just my love for him held me here
i was willing even for the sake of my so called sexual repression
to forgo my sexual drive and focus on the higher calling

i was born into fame and fortune which i had left as a teenager
my mother vimi was one of the most famous actresses in bollywood
my father shivraj famously from a wealthy industrial family

bollywood in the seventies was a totally different phenomenon
movie stars were demi gods worshipped and idolised by the indian masses
all my teenage friends were children of movie stars
or children of renowned industrial houses
who today are famous stars or recognised in some industry or another

my teenage years saw throngs of wannabe film starlets
and the most beautiful young girls rushed towards our bollywood parties
i need not say more…but those years saw more sexual freedom
than most of the free sexual lifestyles of my western fellow travellers

i have always been notorious
and surrounded by the most beautiful women
particularly due to my free spirit and rebellious nature
my utter disobedience to elders
and complete disregard for conventions of this mediocre society
i was always regarded as a rebellious spirit
a rebel by all the girls i knew which they found attractive and desirable

i was too engrossed in my inner journey
to move into relationships in the poona ashram

there was an extremely beautiful american girl
and as i was to find out later a model from the ford agency in new york
she had come to the ashram…and saw me walking slowly
kept looking at me for several days and tried approaching me to say hello

i was in silence at that time
especially due to the continuous harassment i faced daily from sannyasins
and ignored her…she continued to look at me and one evening followed
me to discover that i stayed next door at sunderban
she moved into the same hotel and stayed two months
i always saw her sitting on the balcony looking at me
and she began trying to make conversation with me
she refused to hear that i was in silence and was deeply into meditation
she explained that she had stopped going to the ashram
as she was always sexually harassed there and that every man was trying
to meet her and get her to bed
that she was a model in new york and was fed up with men only wanting
her sexually and that i was the only one who had left her alone
she found me to be silent and sensitive and wanted to be close to me

she was beautiful…i understood her story and appreciated her frankness
she was funny and full of humour
extremely intelligent with a vast experience of travel and of the world
her being close to me soon saw her walking slowly and gracefully
and some new space began to take her over
the ashram big guys who were after her became more infuriated with me
and were shocked that i now had a girlfriend

i was grateful to her for the short relationship
as it helped me change my image of holiness and celibacy
to one of humanness and wholeness

i was celibate throughout these days
though i would factually state
that i was a celebrant rather that a celibate
my past life tibetan tantra experiences reawakened in me
and many past windows became alive again