i want to collect and gather my pool of stillness as deeply as possible
i know that bhagwan is preparing for a new and dramatic phase
of his work and that i was involved in these preparations
so i eat…sleep deeply and sit still by the pond

i have chosen the waterfall sound at the left side
to balance my hearing that has still not opened
and to sit against the corner point of the pyramid to sharpen the spine
facing lao tzu gate i had found the perfect point for my daily sitting
i keep out of view of sannyasins
stop vipassana walking as my main meditativeness
just sitting deep and still…gather my pool…i will need it soon

i begin to notice some people laugh strangely at me
whenever i walk by them hear that they felt that i was gay
or a puff like a pansy as my walking in trousers separated my legs
i also began to notice it was very ungraceful and awkward to look at

i was feeling uncomfortable as these statements grow louder
and i could understand this appeared just that way to the onlooker

bhagwan had said that orange robe was to be discontinued
as it attracted the attention of the poona police and led to harassment

but he had not said anything about wearing a robe as such
so i decided to hide my graceful slow walking behind a robe
which was to be dark blue almost black
sufis wore black robes
this was not the bright orange that attracted attention

so i had two sets of deep blue black robes stitched and enter the ashram
no one even bothered about it
it was not loud nor radical in outlook and it hid my way of walking

all was well and i was settled till i was angrily accosted by tathagat
at the multiversity one evening and shouted at
i told you to stop walking slowly and also not to wear a robe
robes are banned by bhagwan

i gently told him i was sorry and that the robe was not orange
and orange robes were banned
i had been wearing these dark robes for a week with no one complaining

tathagat has no patience whatsoever
totally dictator like said he did not tolerate any sort of talking back
that his word was final
no robe and no walking slowly
he had given me two days to change my attitude

i was absolutely devastated and now really angry with bhagwan
i had enough of this
this was the same boring stupid and now damaging action against me
i had enough…i walked out of the ashram

i was directly angry with bhagwan for the very first time in my life
now this was clearly his own fault
i was being persecuted by everyone he chose to be in power

what have my clothes got to do with my spiritual path
why do these people interfere in everything
where is my simple freedom
to even wear what i wanted to wear

i left the ashram and went to sleep without eating that night
i was very angry and totally fed up
i decided to leave again
and now go to the mountains and meditate with the tibetan people