the chuang tzu bedroom he had especially designed
was not to be lived in by bhagwan

september 14 he opened the vipassana walkway for all
i was met by a mystery school sannyasin
saying that i was to be the first to walk through the vipassana walkway
i said that i would not ever dare to breath in the same space
where bhagwan lived…and refused the offer

i was going deeper and deeper every night
spending sleepless nights now

the kundalini was becoming active and asserting itself strongly
i was losing my balance at those dizzying heights
sounds as of a vacuum were filling my right ear
pain was intense in my left shoulder blade and the right arm

i was spending nights perspiring profusely
and did not want to see the light anymore
just spend the days and nights in the room
with the doubled curtains to create total darkness

i needed to remain in my dark room more and more
in pitch darkness as my eyes began to water seeing sunlight

the ida was completely interlocked
the opening motion was in a downward spiral
every attempted opening in an upward motion blocked it further
everything i did to open it was working against me

end of september autumn i daily used eucalyptus steams
to help open my inner breath and activate the ida
and remained in the blackness of the room for the next two months

it was beginning to get difficult to leave the room
the cooler air and eucalyptus steam was helping me to breathe
always tired and sleepy
begin to sleep sixteen to eighteen hours

i was to enter the ashram only at nights for dinner
and dance in the bamboo grove waving my body in latihan
bhagwan asked for dance in buddha hall every night until 11.30 pm
it was perfect timing for my nights and dinner

it was october and a new mystery when bhagwan asked
for the commune to be painted black
every wall and every corner…was being painted black

the black was perfect
acting as the womb for the being to expand
the ida feminine spiral was supported with the black
the buddhafield began leaning to the left side
receptive feminine
the creative womb deep and silent

again the buddhafield was to move into another tilt
onto another vertical axis
the vortex was shifting
the black was bhagwans secret new phase and device

all building signs were removed
it always plays with the mind which is empty
any person in samadhi would understand the deep hidden reasons
in that empty state just a name like jesus grove
would resonate jesus grove jesus grove jesus grove
until it found another name and would repeat it endlessly

someone was going to reach enlightenment soon
the implications of the black and the removal of all signs
are just simple indicators
i knew them all
i had been drowned in the black hole before
this was going to be far bigger

9 november 1989 bhagwan announces
his silence is not religious
it is a protest
a protest against the hypocrites
and also those that hear but do not listen

just who were these people who hear but do not listen
wonder wonder if you please