i remember as if it just happened yesterday

the very moment i saw the sannyas magazine with his face on the cover
those eyes and that beard
it was as if time had suddenly stopped
my heartbeat became rapid
everything in the room began to reel and spin
i almost fainted in a state of shock
wow…what was i seeing in front of me
was it a dream…or was i awake

the very same eyes that had haunted me every night for the past four
months were staring at me from the cover of this sannyas magazine
what seemed like a million flashes
hundreds of images passed before my eyes
it was all there instantaneously
i knew i had found what i was searching for

he was my search…he was my life…this was the meaning to my life
everything fell into place…the puzzle was complete
i had found the man i was born for

somehow i knew my future that very moment
my previous experiences finally made sense…they were all part of this search
the struggle was over…i know what to do with my life

with tears in my eyes i reverently bowed to his photograph and
with a feeling of deep love slowly opened the cover of the magazine
again all the images began to flood into my head

i knew it all somehow
i knew all these people
i knew the place as if i had been there
and then the first words i read

the ordinary man is tao

i was still in shock and began to cry with joy
crying and shaking
without stopping for over an hour

i simply could not stop
my head began to become light and empty
and a pressure started to build up into an explosive pain
again the room began to swim
the floor began to sway and move
what was happening
was an earthquake coming

i was trembling and began to panic and shouted out to the servant
to catch hold of me and take me to the park in front of the house

my head was exploding and my stomach was bursting with pain
i could not walk and was trembling as he held me
and slowly took me downstairs to the open park
i fell and lay on the grass and soon i became calm and still

i wanted to rush back up to my balcony and read
but was afraid to climb the stairs in case my head would again feel like
exploding and my stomach like bursting
i needed to be on the earth and feel the ground…and let this all subside
it took hours before i had the courage to go back upstairs

without eating i began to pour myself into the sannyas magazines
each and every picture of bhagwan went straight to my heart
every image drew tears of joy…in just three or four magazines
i knew the word sannyas…his mala…his sannyasins…poona ashram

how could i be there this instant…how will i get there tomorrow
this was all i wanted that the night pass and i get to poona
i did not sleep that night

i knew my uncle left for the office at 8.30 in the morning
so i waited till he had gone before going to my aunties house
she had never ever seen me in the morning…i always awoke at 2 pm
i needed to see her immediately and get some money
i had read the address of rajyoga centre near my house
i needed money from her to go to poona the same day

she simply could not believe it when she saw me that morning
i looked like a wreck…but there was a certain peace about my face
that she could recognise immediately
i babbled to her what happened to me and she had tears in her eyes
she became soft and slowly bowed to me and began to touch my feet
she had understood what was happening
the beginning of the great journey for me…she knew but she worried
about my going…about my future…that i was too young
just nineteen and with no parents…no money no future

she knew my nature angry stubborn and adamant and that i would risk
even starvation to do what i wanted
so she gently counselled me not to go…that she had no money to send me
to poona and i should wait for a few years and get settled with my life
and read bhagwan rajneesh in the meantime

i left in anger that she did not understand me and the urgency
with which i had to go to poona…to take my sannyas
i went to rajyoga…there was an old man swami om prakash saraswati
sitting on his chair…i went and bowed to him
i told him that my head was bursting and my stomach was in intense pain
and i felt that i was going to die and that i needed to go to poona
he just smiled and suggested that i go home and get a good sleep and to
eat food and cover my head with a cloth…not to go to poona in this state

i went again to my aunt and pleaded to give me money to go to poona
she told me that she would carefully consider and would collect money
over the next few months…and then i could go

i see these were just tactics to create delay and make me change my mind
i felt that all these old people were in some sort of collusion together